It's hard for me to write about crappy stuff. My blog is my happy place where I get to write all my good things and thoughts and just stuff that is awesome. But things can't be awesome all the time. But why always October? Looking back..
October 2013, our ward got re-organized and we were put into a brand newly created ward. I was asked to be in the Primary Presidency and Dax in the Young Men's presidency. Starting a ward auxiliary from scratch is no picnic. Among other things, I logged over 30 hours on my computer in a couple days, making spreadsheets of primary kids, class lists, contact info, cub scout lists, lesson schedules, teacher lists, substitute lists, etc. Dax's work and hobbies both pick up in October and that year was no different. One morning after a long day of primary work and my husband being away, I woke up and I literally could not move my neck/head. I couldn't turn my head side to side, up or down. My neck hurt so bad, I cried. And when Mom cries, everyone kinda freezes cause it doesn't happen that much. This is the same October I made everyone in my family a Flintstones character for our ward Halloween party. Halloween has always been so much fun for me but I nearly pushed myself to breakdown status. A couple of my dear friends, sensing my desperation/depression, came over and rescued me one day. They kicked me out of the house. I went running/crying while they cleaned my kitchen and did my dishes.
October 2014 backstory: In the spring of last year, my sister-in-law left my brother after she'd been cheating on him. The devastation and heartbreak that ensued can't be fathomed. I flew to Alaska and helped Matt pack up everything and he drove/rode a ferry, and drove more, thousands of miles to live in a little old house I found for him 2 miles from mine. I took care of Matt and Wyatt in lots of ways and little by little they started to establish normalcy here. Then came October: 4 days after Wyatt's 6th birthday, his Mama took her own life. That ruined a lot of things. Including Halloween for me. Which I know is totally, like, at the bottom of the list of things, but it's still on the list. I just can't bring myself to put gravestones and bloody skulls in my yard anymore. And that is fine. Life changes us; we grow and go in different directions. We evolve. Good things come from hard situations. I got to live by family and develop relationships that I never would have. My kids never really knew Wyatt before last year. Now he and Quinny are best buds.
So that brings me to this October. Right now. My 13-year-old daughter Preslie moved 7 hours away to stay with her grandparents for a while. It is really hard to have her gone, but we know that is where she should be. She is attending school, is going to young women's, making friends; everything she should be doing! Except I haven't seen her since she left 4 weeks ago. My heart has pounded and ached over these new situations. I can't just run down there and visit any old time! I have 3 other kids + Dax that I'm also in charge of. So I'm learning new things (like patience). And I'm relying on my Father in Heaven more than I ever have ever in my life (ever). Dax and I are being led and guided. And comforted. But it's not easy. And Preslie misses us like crazy. Seems like a lot of things in my life are broken...our car windshield, dryer, computer, dvd player, VCR (my favorite workout is on VHS, people..and that's broken too), and even our family feels kinda broken, not being together and all. I'm not writing this to get pity or charity. It's just life and needs to be documented. I don't want sympathy or to have to answer a lot of questions. I want to live as close to normal as possible. Some days, that is hard enough. But other days are quite happy. Like I said, we are for sure being lifted through challenging times. It's the greatest testimony in the world to know that we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us and know just what we are going through. There have been little miracles and clear, direct answer to prayer. It's so cool to see the hand of God in my life. I have the best friends. And of course the love of our families is irreplaceable.Today Dax had it. He's tried all year to go out and do some hunting. He wanted to go out in the spring to hunt antelope and his Dad found out he had cancer. He tried to go elk hunting the end of September but Preslie moved. He went out for one day to help my brother Matt and my Dad set up their hunting camp, but work and family obligations brought him home. So finally, on Thursday he went out for the last weekend of the deer hunt. The roads were a muddy mess from all the rain, but he made it to a camp. The next morning his 4-wheeler wouldn't start. The same 4-wheeler that is only 2 years old and that we just paid off last month. He was so defeated; The cumulative effect off all his failed attempts and everything else in our life really upset him. He almost gave up. But he pushed through! Dax and Hunter have their stuff set out, and tomorrow at 5am they are heading out for one last try! I hope they have fun together.
There is so much good in my life that it seems really lame to list the unpleasant stuff. I am so grateful; especially for my relationship with God. It's good to have times where you really KNOW what is most important in life. So I guess I'm learning to go out and splash around in life's rain storms. And I'm learning to let the rain fall on my face and learning that in order to really appreciate it, you have to look up first.
