clearing distractions; living a focused life.

It is fall and with the change in season, time to reflect back. This blog has evolved over time as I have evolved. I have wanted to write more but my focus has been on so many other things that are more important. It's not that I don't have time.. I believe we have the time for whatever we want to do.. It is just picking those things that are most important and spending time on that. But this morning, I woke up early and had a desire to write!

I love to wake up in the morning! Especially early. This is recent for me as I've only enjoyed waking up early for about the past year. I don't do it every day, but when I do, it fills my soul. I have time to read, pray, think, and have quiet. I get my best ideas and inspiration in the early morning. Many times when I'm in a project, I will wake up (on my own-no alarm) around 3-4 am and I get the best ideas or solutions for that project. The world is so quiet at this time, so those ideas and inspiration can reach us or come to the surface easily because our mind is clear and there are no distractions. 

About distractions.. I feel like the things that we shouldn't be doing or spending time on, or eating, or buying, are all just distractions. All of it goes together. In living a more focused life, these are the areas I am working on:

1. Home - only having items I love and that serve me
2. Body - putting pure things in that will fuel me
3. Time - spending it on what matters most
4. Money - mastering it

I've moved through a progression in these 4 areas in the past year and a half and feel I've got a pretty good grasp on the first 2, of course there is maintainance and re-committment that happens along the way. Right now, the last 2 are where I am really focusing on making huge improvements. But they all go together. I think as humans, these are the 4 areas that we get messed up on and we use them improperly to "numb" or cover up existing problems or "fill a void". Our closets, garages, and shelves are filled with clutter that we have to continually organize, care for, dust, and move around. And we just keep buying more to make ourselves feel better which adds more distractions and chaos. And then we eat our emotions by putting things in our bodies that don't help us feel better long term and add clutter on our bodies and bad health, which makes us depressed, so we eat more junk and numb ourselves with Netflix and scrolling Facebook for hours. HOURS. What kind of use of time is that? How do we feel when we finally pull ourselves away from it? Uplifted? Fed? Motivated? The opposite. So we go shopping. "Retail therapy", right? And buy more stuff we don't need, and the cycle continues. 

Please know I'm not judging anyone, this is all coming from my own experience. The cool thing is, I get to decide what I want in my life and then do what it takes to live that way. It takes effort everyday. It takes filling myself with prayer, scripture study, good books, uplifting podcasts or conference talks. But as I replace habits with better ones, my path becomes more clear, and I can see that there are more distractions I can clear out of my life. It is a beautiful journey and I'm starting to understand what it means to live with purpose. I understand better WHY I am doing what I do. If you don't know WHY you do something, it is time to ask yourself and be honest. Having a strong "why" is a powerful way to make positive change your life.

funny thing called money

When I started teaching piano in the fall of 2011 or 12 (?), I instantly had 5 students, and charged them a mere $25 per month. By the next fall, I knew I needed to raise my price and was so nervous about doing it! How could I tell my friends that I'm making them pay more for the same service? They are my friends! What a terrible friend I was being. Still, I was putting in a lot of time and knew I needed more to make it worth it so I sheepishly raised my price a whopping $5 per month and no one even batted an eye.

About a year later, I felt like I needed to quit teaching for a while and focus more on my family. It was hard to quit; I had grown to love my students and really enjoyed teaching. I had become pretty good at it, too! It was so hard to call my students' parents. I felt like I was letting them down, like I was a bad, unreliable friend, etc. But deep down, I knew:

Following my intuition is better than regrets
My life and my kids are more important to me than the neighbor's kids and their "inconvenience"
If piano lessons are really important to my friends, they will find another teacher.

My friends/neighbors were very understanding when I told them I needed to stop teaching. And they all instantly found other piano teachers in the neighborhood. And guess what, those teachers charge WAY more than I charge. So guess who was cheating herself? I didn't value myself enough to charge what I'm worth. My time is worth a lot to me. Especially when it requires I shut the door on my own kids to spend it with someone else's. I better be making GOOD money, if I'm trading time with my family for it.

I currently have 2 students and I will be raising my price again. Substantially. And guess what? I'm not even worried about it this time. If my neighbors aren't willing to pay it (but I think they will be), then I can be freed up to do whatever else I please. If they pay it, but are kinda bugged about it, I DON'T CARE. What they think of me is not my business. What I think of myself is far more important. I love and value myself and my time here on Earth and I won't waste it doing things I don't feel good about.

It isn't selfish or greedy to make money. The more money we have, the more we can reach our potential and bless the lives of others. Money is a tool and a responsibility. And there is enough of it to go around! Don't cheat yourself by thinking that you don't deserve it and there isn't enough of it. You do and there is. I finally learned that I am a kick butt piano teacher. My talents and abilities have great value and I deserve to be abundantly compensated for it.

my people

It's the last day of school and I slipped out of bed just before 6am so I could enjoy the quiet before the summer madness starts. I went to bed last night a little anxious about having all my kids home for summer; I have enjoyed the quiet year with just Quinn and me during the school days. But this morning, I am grateful for each of my kids and their different strengths and I am so glad we are all together!

Preslie is home with us after spending the majority of her 8th grade year with my husband's parents. I could never picture myself at age 13/14 doing what she has done for the past 8 months. Far from home, living with grandma and grandpa, brand new school and classmates, new town, new Young Women's group... she learned a lot, cried a lot, made great new friends, bonded with her grandparents, pushed her grandpa's buttons, and missed her siblings and parents! We missed her, too!

Preslie is always ready for adventure. She is up to go anywhere, especially if I'm paying. Ha! She is a hard worker when it's time to work. She is the kid that I can ask to do a job, and she goes and gets it done the first time she is asked, and does it well. She likes to have music playing all the time; likes to sing, dance, and is insanely flexible. Although she is 5'8" like me, her legs are longer than mine and she has no problem doing her splits on both sides and she can roll through her middle splits. If you don't know what that looks like, ask her to do it for you. One thing I love about Preslie is that once she decides to do something, there is NO stopping her. She has decided to get fit this summer, and I've never seen a 14 year old stick to healthy eating like she has in the past week I've been with her. Nothing can dissuade or distract her! This quality can also be a curse if she wants to do something that isn't reasonable or that I have to put off because of other commitments; she can nearly drive everyone nuts with her agenda. But, this quality has served her well in her school projects and other things she wants to accomplish.

Preslie is the leader among my kids. She is the one that brings everyone together. Everyone gets along with her, and she has a cute relationship with each of her siblings. She is funny and beautiful, and smart, and strong.

 Hunter is such a good kid. He's pretty chill for the most part doesn't get to fired up very often. We have an SUV with a 3rd row seat, and he always takes the very back on road trips because he gets it to himself. He loves to read and has read SO so many books this year, it's mind boggling. He can devour a 500 page book in a weekend, no problem. This year in 6th grade, he has participated in a online program at school called Reading Plus. He and his buddy completed everything in the entire program. Out of thousands of students that use Reading Plus, they were the only 2 in the state that made it through the whole thing! His reading and comprehension level is high school level and I'm just so excited to see what he wants to learn about, because he truly can be a genius in any subject with his reading skills! Hunter doesn't love school, but he puts up with it without complaint. He does his chores without complaint. If I don't know where he is, I can usually find him in his room reading a book, playing DS, or outside squatting over ants with a magnifying glass. He also has an adventurous side! Last summer, we were at the lake and out of no where, he runs and jumps off a huge rock into the water! Well, naturally the rest of us had to do it too! I'm excited to ride some roller coasters with Hunter this summer.

Hunter is super sweet. He gives good hugs and is kind and gentle to little kids and animals. He is careful not to put people out and is courteous of people and their time and money. He went bowling in PE a few times this year, and he quietly brought his own money to pay for himself to go. He doesn't ask me to do things for him that often, so when he does, I know it is important to him and I accommodate it. It's usually, "Mom, will you take me to the library?" So he is pretty easy!

If I were to describe Mack in one word, it would be INTENSE. Everything he does is intense. He feels deeply and expresses himself fiercely. Even the way he writes is so interesting to watch. He grips his pencil so tightly and his strokes on paper are deliberate and forceful.

Mack loves deeply and has a super tender core. It is hard to remember that at times because of how he communicates somewhat gruffly on the surface. When my sister-in-law Natalie passed away, he cried for 45 minutes. He cried when my uncle Norman passed away, even though he'd only been around him a few times. He had prayed for uncle Norman every night while he was battling cancer. He prays every day for my brother Trent and his wife Kenzi to have a baby. He prays for my brother Matt to stay strong with not smoking. He prays for his grandparents, each one, that they can be healthy and get better from each of their different ailments. Mack prays for everyone he loves. It is the most amazing thing to be apart of. He and I have "hug prayers" by his bed every night. We kneel and hug while we each say our own personal prayers. He can out-pray me every time. I will finish and look at him, and he is still going strong. One time I got my stopwatch and timed him. 4 minutes. What 8-year-old (or grown up) prays for that long! It is just the sweetest thing.

Mack likes to be the center of attention and make people laugh. He loves playing with neighborhood kids, usually its our twin neighbor girls, and ride bikes, jump on the tramp, and just roam freely in the neighborhood bare-footed. I'm very curious what Mack will decide to do later in life as a career. He is brilliant and can figure out anything, but it has to be his idea.

Quinn is everyone's little sweetheart. She is delightful to be around, and gives the best hugs. Her personality matches her beautiful blue eyes; clean, innocent, pure, kind. I love watching her with her friends. She is a peacemaker and finds ways to include everyone and play fair. Everything she does is pretty much adorable! I kept her home from kindergarten this year and I am so glad I did. She has been a total free spirit this year, roaming about playing with her 2 best neigborhood pals Rachel and Madison. Quinn is super creative and is always cutting, taping, coloring and gluing paper, cardboard, string, beads, and fabric. She is very interested in sewing lately, and has made a bean bag and a skirt. Out of all my kids, I think she is the most like me. Or maybe she is the one I want to be like most. She is excited for kindergarten. She has a contagious laugh that sounds like happy music. Quinn loves babies and animals. She melts whenever she sees her 2 cats, Ray and Love. She always scoops up Ray and bounces him around and talks to him with a cutesy mommy voice. Quinn has asked me if she can have a baby sister or brother. I know she would just be the most darling and sweet big sister. But she is my baby. And that is why I got her the cats.

I cannot talk about my family without including my most fave person on Earth. Dax is the most amazing human and I scored so so hard when I found him. He is so patient and loving. He emits super good vibes. He gives amazing hugs. His hands are always warm but never sweaty. He does whatever I need him to do. He is a talented chef and cooks a lot of meals for us. He makes an effort to plan fun things for our family to do together. He is a big kid and loves to joke and laugh and keeps home life light and happy. He is excellent at reading people and gets along with everyone. He is brilliant and caring and strong and kind.

Happy summer! My goal is to connect with each person, each day. Focus on relationships and the time we have together. It is going to get chaotic at times. I'm going to ignore people at times and do my own thing. But I will wake up each day and decide to show up as my best self and be present for the people that I love most!

(photo credit: Jaclyn Gardner. All pictures belong to me. Please don't take photos from my blog without permission.)

fairy tale life

I've been thinking so much about opposition, positivity, intuition, power, divine nature, choices. Our thoughts and words. Our beliefs.

There has to be opposition in all things. Has to. It is supposed to be there. So many times in my life, I've just wanted things to be perfect. Look perfect. kids to obey. do what i want and do what is right. house clean. perfectly styled. perfect bod. lean, defined muscles. no hard things. no death. no temptation. no mistakes. i want control over things. Everyone wants control and we seek it in all different ways. But we do have control. We have power through choice. we cannot control what others do, but we can control what we do. how we respond. "He made me mad" "You made me happy" "That makes me so frustrated" are all lies. NO one can make us feel a certain way. It is always our choice. The more we are accountable for our choices, or the more we realize that we have power over our lives and the greater our ability to change our results. The opposition is there to test us. To make us stronger. to bring us to our divine purpose and potential.

2 Nephi 2:11 "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so... righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad."

We cannot be happy without opposition. We cannot make choices without opposition. I LOVE CHOICES! I love doing whatever I want. We can choose whatever we want in this life. We can choose love, kindness, work, joy, prosperity, creativity, excitement, and energy. We can also choose anger, jealousy, bitterness, greed, idleness, selfishness, sadness and suffering. All this is because of opposition. We can make our life anything we want. It's amazing!

I live a fairy tale life. I wake up, tell myself I can do and accomplish anything. I choose to believe in myself. I plan my day in my head and how I will respond to each situation that may arise, but also decide to be open to any other path that presents itself. I decide to love everyone I see. I decide to nourish my mind, body, and spirit with good things. I choose to work on my goals and passions. And what are the results of my choices?

I feel healthy and vibrant.
I have inner peace and resolve.
I receive inspiration and act on intuition
Abundance flows to me.
I love those around me.
I experience joy regardless of circumstances and the choices of others.
I am fulfilled.

I cannot think of a better life. I'm not writing this to brag about how great my life is. Everyone can have the life they want. I'm still working on mine. We are all works in progress. That is why we must love ourselves and others and know each of us is on our own journey and has our own strengths and weaknesses. We have different passions and goals. But there is great power in each individual. Recognizing our own power and divinity helps us see the greatness in others. Recognizing the greatness in others helps us love ourselves.

There is something I've noticed in my life that is hard to describe but I think it is worth writing down. When I think and focus on things that I want, those things have a way of finding their way into my life.

Example: I've been thinking a lot about parenting. My son Mack is a huge inspiration for this. I constantly think about how I parent, how I want to improve, what is the best way to parent my children, etc. I have been experimenting with ways to stay calm, not yell or get angry, be more patient, etc, Things go better when I parent with love and not anger. Then I met a lady who came and taught Parenting for my Relief Society activity. She is certified in teaching Parenting with Love and Logic and I've now organized for her to teach the whole course in my town. I am taking this course (along with 30 other parents) and learning how to parent exactly the way I have wanted and feel is best for my kids.

Example: I was chatting with my daughter Preslie about how she'd like to decorate her bedroom. We looked up a few ideas and she decided she wanted a boho/70s vibe. Two days later, we stopped at a garage sale spur-of-the moment and found a bunch of macrame wall hangings, vintage patchwork fabrics, and funky accents and bottles. This kind of thing happens to me in decorating all the time. I think about things i really want for a room or project, and then they show up.

Example: My niece got engaged to a guy while attending college in Hawaii. I dreamed about going to the wedding and even looked up airfare for my husband and me. I dismissed the idea of going but still thought about it and pictured myself flying to Honolulu and attending the wedding in the Laie Temple, being with my parents and sister and niece and celebrating. Days before the wedding, my childhood best friend calls me and says she is going to be in Hawaii the same week as my niece's wedding and says I should come with her. Through a miraculous series of events, I booked a $300 round trip ticket to Honolulu, found a ride to the airport, a place to park my car for the week, and a place to stay while I was in Hawaii.. all in a matter of minutes.

This kind of stuff always happens to me! I wasn't sure why and how to explain it until I went to a seminar called Limitless last month. There I learned about the 9 laws of conscious creation. Which basically means how our dreams, passions, goals, and desires become reality (how we consciously create them). The first one is Law of Attraction. It is:

Like attracts like. We attract into our lives the people, things, situations, and experiences that match our deepest beliefs and thoughts. We attract into our lives what we think about most. Our dominant and persistent thoughts eventually manifest as physical reality. 

If this is true, then the things we believe and think and focus on and love and are excited about will come to pass. Whether positive or negative.

That is why there are people you see that seem like they can never catch a break. And those that whatever they touch turns to gold. They create their own reality. We all do.

Another thing I've been focused on recently is helping my kids find their passion and purpose. I know that I will accomplish this because I can see that things are already being put in my path to do so.

We have inspiration and intuition that guide us. The more we are aligned with truth and have faith in God and ourselves, the more inspiration comes. Our intuition is there to help us make decisions that can't be backed up by logic or reasoning or proof. Trusting my intuition has blessed my life immeasurably, especially this past year as I've really payed closer attention to it. Simplifying, decluttering, and pairing my belongings and commitments down to the select few that bring me joy has helped me hone in on those important things in my life. I am less distracted and more in tune with what I need to do each day, each moment.

I will end with this

every thought counts
every thought adds up
every thought is heard

following my heart

I had the most beautiful birthday of all time this year. Dax booked a motel in Moab, Utah, for the weekend and helped me realize one of my goals, which was to hike Arches National Park, specifically- Delicate Arch. The scenery took my breath away and gave me a lump in my throat. I have been to Arches as a toddler, so this was essentially a first time experience for me.

We hiked to Delicate Arch and enjoyed the park all day Saturday. I loved it so much that I woke up early Sunday morning (my birthday) wanting to get back their ASAP. I contemplated heading over as the sun was coming up all by myself, but waited, wanting to spend the morning and day with my family. One by one, my kids woke up and headed downstairs for the motel breakfast. Dax and I had previously talked about attending an LDS sacrament meeting on Sunday, and everyone had brought their church clothes, but we kinda lost our steam and thought hiking church sounded nice. Something inside me couldn't stop thinking about going to sacrament meeting. It was my 35th birthday and God has blessed me with SO much. I couldn't bear to not worship Him on this birthday Sabbath and thank Him for all I have and the life He has given me throughout my 35 years. I kept putting it off until finally I started getting so hot and my heart started beating so fast that I began stripping off layers of clothing. Getting hot is not common for me. I spent the 2 evenings before in two pairs of sweats and bundled in a blanket watching my kids swim in the motel's outdoor pool. Finally at 8:20am, I said, "I think we need to go to sacrament meeting." We had 20 minutes to get dressed, pack up and check out in order to make it on time to the 9 o'clock meeting. But as soon as we started down that path, I felt calm and my head was clear. We drove into Moab and found the church and were in our seats by 8:58am. Then the urge to call my Mom came over me. I hurried out of the chapel and into a classroom and called her. I love calling home because Mom always answers. This has been the case my entire life. It is so comforting to know that anytime I call, I will hear her voice. I know someday that will change.

I asked Mom if any of our ancestors are buried in Moab. She told me the names of 2 sets of my great-great grandparents that were buried there and their birth and death dates. Then told me a few cool stories about them. I hung up and re-entered the chapel. I felt the Holy Ghost so strong and knew I had to get to the cemetery after sacrament meeting. I thought about texting Dax about the feelings I was having, but I just sat and enjoyed them. I looked up Moab Utah Cemetery on my phone; there were 2. Not close to each other. After the meeting (which was wonderful), we got in our car and I said, "I want to go to the cemetery." Dax said ok, and I went back in the church to ask an old timer which cemetery would likely have my ancestors' graves from the dates I had.

We headed to Grand Valley Cemetery and found both sets of my great-great grandparents' graves. Plus a dozen other relatives' graves. It was so fun to find the headstones of people from my own family history. I told my kids about John Carlos Wilcox, who was my grandpa's grandpa. When my grandpa Richard was a boy, John would rock him and his pegleg would come up in the air as they would rock back. My grandpa loved him and was there when John was on his death bed. John's wife Eliza had passed away 13 years prior, but my grandpa saw John stretch his arms out and say, "Eliza!" and then his arms dropped and he died. Eliza came to get John and take him Home. At age 16, my grandpa Richard buried his grandfather, John. It was the hardest thing he'd ever done- shoveling dirt onto his grandfather's casket to bury it.

We found the old headstone of Myron and Elvira Lance. The Lance family was one of the families sent by Brigham Young to settle the Moab area. My older brother Lance is named after this family.

After our visit to the cemetery, we changed and headed back to Arches. We ate a picnic lunch and explored. We hiked to Landscape Arch. This is such a beautiful part of the world, and it's only 3 hours from my house. It made me want to explore more of the places around me.

We made it home that evening and I called my Mom to tell her all the graves we found. She was so excited. Mom told me something cool that happened to her that day, too. She told me that during the sacrament at her church, she got the feeling that many ancestors were joining the Mangus family in Moab today. Both of us cried. The rest of the night, I felt intense warmth in my chest and such love. I know these ancestors and relatives that have gone before love us and are cheering for us. They have overcome great trials and have many stories. Those stories are apart of us. I am so grateful for this special experience. I am so grateful that I decided to attend sacrament meeting! I have always been a fan of following your guts, heart, the Spirit, whatever you want to call it! It ALWAYS leads you the right direction.

journey to simple

I read my Grandma Dorothy's life story yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it. She wrote it herself, so it was extra special to hear her voice through her words. She died when I was six but I still remember her and the way she made me feel special whenever we'd visit her home in the small mining town of East Carbon, Utah. She was born in the 20s and was a child during the Depression. The hard times I read about in her story are still sinking in and penetrating my heart. My life is so ridiculously easy compared to hers. As I knelt by my bed this morning to say my prayer, I thanked Heavenly Father for a warm, quiet home. That Quinn was healthy and happy and singing in her bedroom. That my other 3 kids were at school and able to get an education and that they were healthy enough to do so. I thanked Him that I was wearing comfortable shoes. That I slept in a cozy bed.

For about a year, I've felt an urge to simplify. To peel away all the things in my life that aren't important so I can focus on those things that truly matter. People, experiences, and books have been placed in my path that have helped me in my journey to a more simple life. My Grandma's story is one of those pieces that is guiding me to the life I need to be living. I feel a stirring of urgency and excitement inside me that is pushing me. I'm getting closer, but I have a lot of work left to do.

Living room makeover and other miracles!

November was the most amazing month. So many blessings and miracles. I'll start with the living room makeover. I've been getting my courage up for over a year because it was a LOT of painting. I'm talking Living room, dining, kitchen, down the stairs, and hallway. AND 13 DOORS. Even the ceiling was painted! Dax and I painted the ceiling Halloween day. It had to be done, because everything was green. And a total transformation ensued. The catalyst for starting this project was when I sold the big wall art I made back in 2012. A lady was on the search for a big modern piece to hang in her new restaurant/coffee shop she's opening in town and saw my ad just after I listed it. I feel like it was meant to be for both her and me. Once I had a giant blank wall that needed changing, the ball was rolling and there was no stopping it.

Here is before:

3 weeks and 3 days later, just before our Thanksgiving guests arrived, we were just putting the room together and touching up the last of the 13 doors and the trim down the stairs. There are still things to do; a few pictures to hang, a few places to touch up with paint, and a light fixture to build. BUT- I'm so happy with how it all turned out! It looks so different!
AFTER:

There will be more and better pics after the Holidays are over because I don't plan to keep things perfectly tidy while I have memories to make. We hosted Thanksgiving for Dax's family. The Saturday after, my son Mack was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It was such a beautiful day. Two of my sisters and their families came plus my dear Mom and Dad. I guess I was due for a Mom visit; everytime I hugged my Mom, I cried.

Life has had its unexpected turns for our family but I can't explain how happy I've been. It makes no sense logically, but I've felt so peaceful and had such joy. I truly understand how the Nephites felt during all their battles and wars when it says in Alma 50:23 "But behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi". I've never seen or felt so many blessings in my life. My heart is overflowing with gratitude. I'm not saying stuff is easy, but I know the our Heavenly Father and our Savior have carried us through our trials. It's been amazing and humbling. The answers to my prayers have been innumerable. The feeling of joy and peace in my heart is indescribable.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Every year Christmas means more to me and this year is no exception. My faith in the Savior has grown! He can heal our hearts and help us be more than we are on our own. I love the testimony of President Ezra Taft Benson, "I know that the Lord lives. I know that He loves us. I know that apart from Him no one can succeed, but as a partner with Him no one can fail. I know that God can make a lot more out of our lives that we can."

I know that is true!

Tomorrow my Christmas Baby turns 14! It's been so fun to have her home for Christmas break. My house is bustling and fun and full. I love it! I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

rain in October

It's been raining here for a few days and I love it. But you know the saying, "When it rains, it pours"? It's been doing that here, too. I don't so much love that. That kind of pouring rain is figurative and it's not as much fun as the literal rain that you go out and splash in and you look up and let it fall on your face.

It's hard for me to write about crappy stuff. My blog is my happy place where I get to write all my good things and thoughts and just stuff that is awesome. But things can't be awesome all the time. But why always October? Looking back..

October 2013, our ward got re-organized and we were put into a brand newly created ward. I was asked to be in the Primary Presidency and Dax in the Young Men's presidency. Starting a ward auxiliary from scratch is no picnic. Among other things, I logged over 30 hours on my computer in a couple days, making spreadsheets of primary kids, class lists, contact info, cub scout lists, lesson schedules, teacher lists, substitute lists, etc. Dax's work and hobbies both pick up in October and that year was no different. One morning after a long day of primary work and my husband being away, I woke up and I literally could not move my neck/head. I couldn't turn my head side to side, up or down. My neck hurt so bad, I cried. And when Mom cries, everyone kinda freezes cause it doesn't happen that much. This is the same October I made everyone in my family a Flintstones character for our ward Halloween party. Halloween has always been so much fun for me but I nearly pushed myself to breakdown status. A couple of my dear friends, sensing my desperation/depression, came over and rescued me one day. They kicked me out of the house. I went running/crying while they cleaned my kitchen and did my dishes.

October 2014 backstory: In the spring of last year, my sister-in-law left my brother after she'd been cheating on him. The devastation and heartbreak that ensued can't be fathomed. I flew to Alaska and helped Matt pack up everything and he drove/rode a ferry, and drove more, thousands of miles to live in a little old house I found for him 2 miles from mine. I took care of Matt and Wyatt in lots of ways and little by little they started to establish normalcy here. Then came October: 4 days after Wyatt's 6th birthday, his Mama took her own life. That ruined a lot of things. Including Halloween for me. Which I know is totally, like, at the bottom of the list of things, but it's still on the list. I just can't bring myself to put gravestones and bloody skulls in my yard anymore. And that is fine. Life changes us; we grow and go in different directions. We evolve. Good things come from hard situations. I got to live by family and develop relationships that I never would have. My kids never really knew Wyatt before last year. Now he and Quinny are best buds.

So that brings me to this October. Right now. My 13-year-old daughter Preslie moved 7 hours away to stay with her grandparents for a while. It is really hard to have her gone, but we know that is where she should be. She is attending school, is going to young women's, making friends; everything she should be doing! Except I haven't seen her since she left 4 weeks ago. My heart has pounded and ached over these new situations. I can't just run down there and visit any old time! I have 3 other kids + Dax that I'm also in charge of. So I'm learning new things (like patience). And I'm relying on my Father in Heaven more than I ever have ever in my life (ever). Dax and I are being led and guided. And comforted. But it's not easy. And Preslie misses us like crazy. Seems like a lot of things in my life are broken...our car windshield, dryer, computer, dvd player, VCR (my favorite workout is on VHS, people..and that's broken too), and even our family feels kinda broken, not being together and all. I'm not writing this to get pity or charity. It's just life and needs to be documented. I don't want sympathy or to have to answer a lot of questions. I want to live as close to normal as possible. Some days, that is hard enough. But other days are quite happy. Like I said, we are for sure being lifted through challenging times. It's the greatest testimony in the world to know that we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us and know just what we are going through. There have been little miracles and clear, direct answer to prayer. It's so cool to see the hand of God in my life. I have the best friends. And of course the love of our families is irreplaceable.

Today Dax had it. He's tried all year to go out and do some hunting. He wanted to go out in the spring to hunt antelope and his Dad found out he had cancer. He tried to go elk hunting the end of September but Preslie moved. He went out for one day to help my brother Matt and my Dad set up their hunting camp, but work and family obligations brought him home. So finally, on Thursday he went out for the last weekend of the deer hunt. The roads were a muddy mess from all the rain, but he made it to a camp. The next morning his 4-wheeler wouldn't start. The same 4-wheeler that is only 2 years old and that we just paid off last month. He was so defeated; The cumulative effect off all his failed attempts and everything else in our life really upset him. He almost gave up. But he pushed through! Dax and Hunter have their stuff set out, and tomorrow at 5am they are heading out for one last try! I hope they have fun together.

There is so much good in my life that it seems really lame to list the unpleasant stuff. I am so grateful; especially for my relationship with God. It's good to have times where you really KNOW what is most important in life. So I guess I'm learning to go out and splash around in life's rain storms. And I'm learning to let the rain fall on my face and learning that in order to really appreciate it, you have to look up first.

Sunshine in my Heart

Twelve years ago, I gave birth to my first son! My pregnancy with Hunter was moderately difficult, partly because of my physical discomfort, and partly because of our living arrangements. I had "afternoon sickness" almost every day at lunch. When I was 5 months along, we moved to Kanab, Utah for Dax's summer job with the BLM. Dax and I lived in a government camp trailer in an RV park with 1-year-old Preslie. The thin foam we slept on made my hips ache terribly. The trailer also smelled like stale cigarette smoke. Passing the days with a 1-year-old at an RV park in a small town was kinda boring, but kinda cool. Life was really simple. It was that summer we found out our baby was a boy. We were SO excited. We all were hoping for a boy and of all my pregnancies, finding out on this one was the most exciting. Perhaps living in a camping trailer makes you appreciate things more. But I just knew this baby was special and I loved him already.

Delivery Day! 10-18-03

We moved to Logan at the end of the summer to continue schooling at Utah State. My belly got huge and I got many comments, including being asked if I was having twins. Hunter made his debut in the afternoon on October 18 weighing in at just under 8 pounds-my biggest baby. He was such a sweet, calm, and pleasant baby from day 1. Even the pediatrician commented how patient he was at his appointment at 2-days-old, when Hunter had to get his heels poked for his PKU test. He barely cried.

Hunter is a delightful child. He is crazy smart; he loves to read and learn. He is my snuggler, still hugs me lots everyday and sleeps with a stuffed animal he got when he was a baby (cute!). He is aware of people's feelings and never wants to put anyone out. He loves little children and babies and tries to keep them happy. He is kind and doesn't have a bad thing to say about anyone. I love that the most about Hunter. A lot of people have really showy or obvious talents. Hunter isn't showy. He is just himself. He knows what is right and tries to do his best. His natural integrity and kindness is important and the talent that is most desirable in life.

Today in sacrament meeting, the opening hymn was no. 228 You Can Make the Pathway Bright. During the Sacrament, I read the words to that song over and over and they really sank in. I want to live in a way that there is always sunshine in my heart. Nothing would make me more happy than to see my kids do the same.

Hunter got called up to the pulpit by our bishop and we raised our hands in favor of him receiving the Aaronic Priesthood. He looked so tall and handsome in his suit (almost as tall as the bishop). I'm filled with sunshine, just thinking about what a good boy Hunter is becoming. He is making choices that will lead him to a happy life. I teared up thinking about how blessed I am and how much our Heavenly Father has guided me throughout my life and given me these wonderful kids. I care about them so much. There is no other way to raise kids than to turn my life over to Him and rely on his constant direction. Hunter was ordained to be a deacon today. What a stud.

At Hunter's request, we cooked the turkey that Hunter shot this past spring, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, and rolls. Crumb cake for dessert.

I have a 12 -year-old son! It's awesome!

 

Nothing is concrete yet, except concrete.

Seems like forever ago that the kids started back to school. We surprised Dax's parents over Labor Day weekend with a visit. Their health has been sketchy lately and we hoped to cheer them up. When we arrived at their home, we Facetimed with them while we were standing on their front porch. Didn't take long for my MIL to say, "Are you on the front porch?!!" Wonderful visit. 

I have 2 kids in Junior high, now. Mack is enjoying 2nd grade.

Quinn started in my friend Jo's preschool. On the first day, she dressed herself and perhaps realized her leggings didn't quite go with the dress and said, "Sorry I wore these Halloween pants but they were just really pretty." I'm a fan of disregarding fashion/design rules when you think something is really pretty! Her teacher, my dear friend Jolona, lives out of town on a farm and has a huge garden. Her raspberry patch is impressive and she is so generous to share it with friends. We've picked and eaten over a dozen gallons of her raspberries. It's the best candy ever.

I made Dax his favorite deluxe cheesecake for his birthday. This year, we topped it with our haul from Jo's raspberry patch. Amazing. He said it was the best cheesecake he's ever had.

Lots of craziness going on at my house in the past 2 weeks. Like crazier than ever. Crazy good stuff and crazy difficult stuff. On the good side of things, we have projects going, finally! The back corner of our yard is like the last huge and annoying part of the yard that is unfinished. I've wanted a big patio forever. And Dax wanted a garage. So we are doing both. Here are progress photos from start to where we are currently!

catch all/eyesore

Footers poured for garage

forms for stem walls

stem walls poured, forms removed, backfilled, designing patio shape and leveling it

garage floor done, pouring upper patio

Finished! Love it!

Another angle BEFORE:

AFTER:

Dancing on the patio!

Waiting patiently for 7 years payed off! Dreams come true; time to party.

ramp for easy bike/scooter/wheelchair access to lower patio

And as always, when stuff gets cray in my life, my urge to redo rooms boils over. It's my way of controlling my environment in a small part. And gives me and out; something to focus on other than worries.

Mack celebrated his 8th birthday. He had buds over for burgers, dogs, and running games. He didn't love his birthday during General Conference weekend but he did get one message out of it. During Sister Neill Marriott's talk, he ran upstairs and said, "Mom! This talk is like our family. 'It will all work out.' Maybe not right now, but it will all work out!" Loved that moment. Love that kid.

Actually, I can.

I sang with Preslie in sacrament meeting on Sunday.

Whew. It was terrifying! Back in June, when I got asked to sing with my daughter in church, I actually felt sick. It scared me a lot. I almost backed out. But I wanted to do it just because I was scared to do it. I wanted to prove to myself I could. I wanted to show my kids that I can do hard and scary things. The only thing holding me back is me. The morning of, my armpits sweated gallons. We did pretty good! I'm not a singer in the performing kind of way. I would have rather given a 20 minute talk or played the piano and those things still would have made me nervous. People don't know that I am actually a scaredy cat when it comes to a lot of things. I was really shy when I was young. I didn't go on a roller coaster until I was a teenager. I didn't try water skiing until I was in my 20s. Well, I'm quite friendly and I love roller coasters. Lakes still freak me out, mostly because they're cold and murky, but I always have fun when I go!

A lot of my kids have inherited my anxiety about the new and unfamiliar. But they, too have overcome a lot of their fears and I'm so happy! I payed Mack $20 this summer to cliff jump at the lake. That's a bit extreme, I know, but I wanted him to do it so he would see how fun it was and not be scared. I don't want my kids to hold themselves back from having great experiences!

This past weekend, we vacationed in Logan, Utah. We visited Willow Park Zoo, saw the Clarkston Martin Harris Pageant, hiked Tony Grove in Logan Canyon, and played at Logan Aquatic Center.

We ate a picnic lunch at Tony Grove and then began our hike. It was hot outside and a mile into it, morale was low. Quinn had fallen twice, and the rest of the kids were already "tired". I tried to stay positive and told them how fun and pretty this is, etc. I carried Quinn piggy-back some of the way. The hike to White Pine Lake was 3.8 miles, one way. We got to where the trail starts going down hill (dropping down to the lake) and Dax stayed with Quinn and Hunter and set up a hammock and chilled out while I took Preslie and Mack the rest of the way to the lake. It was another 2 miles to get there. Mack had been the most grumpy up to this point so it surprised me that he decided to push forward (I should never be surprised with this kid; he always does the opposite of what I expect). The trail dropped steeper and I carried Mack some of the way because he started to get an ingrown toenail. We got to White Pine Lake and it was glorious! Mack and Preslie got in the water, of course.

Way too cold for me! It's a mountain lake made up of melted snow, for crying out loud. We started back toward the rest of the gang and Mack was singing and having a great time, then the steep uphill hit, and his mood took a dive. We made it back to Dax and the others and started hiking the rest of the way back. Mack and I ended up running the better part of the way back to the car. The way back was so much quicker and more pleasant! A good attitude makes all the difference; something I was sure to point out to him. Mack and I sat in the car to wait for the others and the first thing he said was, "This was the best day ever." This from the kid who at one point laid down on the trail and said he wasn't going any farther. It was a great experience. Even though we ran out of water, Quinn fell down a dozen times, the kids were hot and tired, and they all thought the hike sucked at one time or another.. at the end, everyone said it was worth it.

The kids loved the Logan Aquatic Center: water slides and a high dive plus the "umbrella of doom". Can't beat a day at a water park. We headed home tired and happy.

Last weekend, I took my kids to my parents' house for my Dad's 70th birthday. My Mom and all my siblings pitched in and got him a nice spotting scope for his hunting rifle. His old scope was 40 years old and needed replaced. I'm excited for him to have a new one! This was a hard birthday for Dad because that week, his brother (my Uncle Norman) died at age 77. It hit a little too close to home for my Dad. He told me that time was slipping away too quickly. He lost his brother and his best friend. I went to the viewing with my parents and had a nice visit with my Aunt Jane. I just love her. She is one of those people that makes you feel like the most important person in the world. She and I sat in the same chair and held hands and visited about Uncle Norman and all the good times. I told her that Mack had been praying for him and her ever since we visited them back in February. She is not a religious gal, but she said that those prayers have helped her. She told me that the night before Norman died, she prayed that he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Her sweet, unselfish prayer was answered. I can't imagine the hurt of losing my sweetheart. She and Norman have been married for 58 years.

That weekend, I had an interesting confrontation with my brother Matt and his girlfriend. I felt like I needed to stand up to him and I'm not sure why. This is another thing the old, scaredy-cat Tristie would never have done. I love my brother and I want what is best for him and his son and I think he knows that.

Preslie and Hunter got braces on Monday. It has been an adjustment with the tender teeth, thrashed up mouths, and extra long brushing and flossing.

Preslie went to Lagoon with a friend this week and we're all jealous that she got to ride Cannibal. We hit the pool twice this week. It closes for good next weekend. A new pool/rec center is being built and our beloved old pool will become its parking lot.

Quinn graduated from Upstart, her online preschool. She also decided to get brave at the pool and dunk herself under the water, something she's been terrified to do. I love it when my kids decide that they CAN do something. It's frustrating to wait for them to come around, but when they do, it's so cool!

My second grade teacher always told our class that "can't" isn't a word. She said "can't" means, "I don't want to" or "I won't". I believe her. I can do anything I want to do. I choose to do those things that are truly important, even if they are hard or scary.

My Cupcake is Cinco!

 My girl that has been four forEVER is FIVE. Yay. We had a few of her friends over for a slip n slide and cupcakes. Then that evening Uncle Matthew, Aunt Abbey and their kids came to party! Quinn's birthday always ends with fireworks since she was born on Utah's state holiday, Pioneer Day.

Quinn is a joy to be around. She loves to paint nails and is quite good at it. She is everyone's sweetheart and gives the best hugs. She sits quietly in primary and listens. She has a tender heart. She loves to be home and with Mom. She is kinda a vegetarian..prefers veg and fruit over meat. BUT. Her all time fave food is frozen raviolis that come from Wal-Mart. She can out eat a grown-up when we serve those. She is my only child that doesn't have a middle name so she gave herself the middle name, Cupcake. Perfect fit. When my other kids were giggling about her new middle name, she defended herself by telling them that cupcakes are the best and so it is actually a great name. I agree. She is onto something... naming people happy names like Cupcake, and Lemonade Stand (which is the name of a doll in our house) might be the key to a happy life.

 We took everyone fishing nearby and all the kids caught fish. Love it when they bite easy and quick.

 We headed to Vernal to check out the Dino Museum. Some call it the Utah Field House of Natural History State Park Museum. So take your pick.

 Love this next pic I snapped of Dax and his brother. They always joke that they look nothing alike but here's proof they are related!...

 We had a fun visit with those guys!
My kids all took swimming lessons. A new pool/rec center is being built in town. Looking forward to that!
This week was UBIC...stands for Uinta Basin in Celebration. It is held in our town and there are fun activities, competitions, and performances all week. Preslie, Mack, and Quinn did a drill team clinic and performed their dances on stage at the park. Preslie signed up and performed a dance solo at the UBIC talent show. We attended an art show, as well as local talent performances.

My littles rode on the drill team parade float. Preslie danced in the parade with her dance studio (farthest on the left).

The week ended with a concert at the park. This year we had a country guy Jason Michael Carroll. Fun and entertaining. It ended with an awesome firework show. We look forward to UBIC every year. Also loved the spicy mango on a stick and mango popsicles from the booths there at the park. Yum.

Dax is the new Young Men's president in our church ward. He will do great!

It's August, so that means cramming every last bit of fun in before school starts! Make it count!

healing and wheeling

Preslie did amazing at girls camp. We sent her one week from her tonsil/adenoid surgery and she was able to fully enjoy camp, staying up late gabbing with the girls and all. She was blessed to go and have the experience. When I picked her up after she got back, the first thing she said was, "Mom, I have a testimony now. I didn't know I had one!" Preslie told me about testimony meeting and how the spirit was really strong and she hadn't really felt the spirit like that before. She didn't even get death breath!

bus ride to camp

lake at Heber Valley Girls Camp

I had a glorious experience, while Preslie was at camp. Thursday, I attended the temple for Relief Society and Dax took the 3 other kids camping. I drove the 30 minutes to the temple alone and the car ride was so quiet and wonderful. I had time to think and pray about all that has been on my mind..which was a lot. It's a rare thing to have 30 minutes of quiet where you can't do anything but think. The ladies and I did initiatory work and after we were done, I found a family name in my purse that I'd forgotten my mom had given me. I went back in and did the initiatory for her. She still needed the endowment done so I asked when the next session was and it was in 30 minutes... Although I had planned on hitting the town all by myself and do some unrestricted shopping, I knew that this lady had been waiting for her work to be done and that there was nothing better to do that evening. Frances Parsens's work is complete! I stopped at Cafe Rio on the way home for a tamale and felt so peaceful and comforted just knowing things are going to be ok. And that wasn't the sweet pork talking, either. I know God is mindful of our worries and sends the Holy Ghost to comfort us! Anyway, after a disappointing trip to Wal-Mart (the only thing open that late), I went home to a quiet, dark house and tucked myself into bed. First time in 15 years that I had the place to myself. I LOVED IT. I woke up to the sunshine and went about my day. Totally refreshing!

Everyone was in attendance at the Warner family reunion/grandkid birthday party. 32 people which was a huge feat and a lot of calling/organizing on my Mom's part. I got to hold my new niece and grandniece. My parents took all the littles to Toys 'R' Us to pick out a present for their "birthday". The older grandkids who have grown out of toys got cash. My mom got the family picture she wanted! Can't wait to see how it turned out. My sister-in-law Kenzi is the photographer and has all the pics.

We took 2 nieces home with us late Saturday night to spend the week with us. The kids had a blast. We swam, went to Vernal, played at the park, at Cafe Rio ($5 Tuesday of course), Wal-Mart, ortho, and on the way home, stopped at the lake for a dip.

 We played board games and video games (Matisse and Hunter are my gamers...two peas in a pod)

 Wednesday we chilled out at home and by afternoon, the girls were like, "We're bored, there's nothing to do!" I told them they could each paint a section of wall in my garage if they wanted and they were like, uh, ok! Saryn said, "My Mom wouldn't approve of this!" I told her her Mom isn't here and that I approve. They had a great time letting out their inner artist.

  While Preslie was at young womens, these guys rode bikes to the ice cream shop but got distracted by a darling black puppy on the way. By time they got there, it was closed. There was a bike mishap on the way home so Dax took the trailer and went to rescue them.

 We found our way to the ice cream shop before the week's end!

7 happy kids

The girls' paint jobs turned out super fun. Matisse painted the top (pony), Preslie painted the middle (triangles) and Saryn painted the bottom (splatters). I love them all. 

 I had my nephew Wyatt this week, too. It was my last week taking care of him full time since he and Matt moved to Salt Lake on Friday. BOO hoo! I will miss them!

Wyatt and Quinn have been the greatest playmates for the past 14 months. Of course it's been crazy adding another kid to our lives, but it's been a great blessing for all involved, too. 2014 was the year from hell for Matt and the ripple effect was felt by all. He and Wyatt have come a long way and healed tremendously from the heartbreak and devastation they've experienced. Matt has found a girlfriend and has moved to Salt Lake to be with her. I pray that they can find happiness and have the things they need, especially for Wyatt! 

pizza break before we say good bye

 Dax bought us all pizza after we got everything moved out and loaded! I'm going to miss my big brother, and I know he will miss me. Heavenly Father has put us in each other's lives for a reason and it's been wonderful to have him and Wyatt close this past year. Looking back, I can see how God stepped in when things were going to get super crappy for Matt and led him to live by me. God loves all His children, even those that don't live a super religious life. He cares about us individually! I trust Him and know things will work out. Even before Matt moved, he said, "Things always work out for me. They just do. Even when I don't know how, they just work out." That isn't to say things are easy. No way. Matt has a lot of work to do and challenges to face still. We all do. I wish him and Wyatt the very best!

 Mack took this hug-fest picture. I love my girls.

The beginning of the summer, I was all gung-ho on finishing our basement and backyard patio/shed so I re-fied my house to get some cash out to do the projects. I was going to hire my brother and his boss to do the work for us: I got the bids and the financing done. Then Matt moved. So Dax asked his Dad if he could help us on a couple things and my FIL's skin cancer decided to come back so he's getting surgery this week. And then he'll undergo radiation and chemo. Thumbs down! Way more serious problem then deciding on tile.

 Things aren't going as planned, and maybe that's good, because the plentiful choices have me befuddled. Also, we are keeping a good perspective on what's truly important. I want the basement finished. But I want my family to be healthy and happy even more!

 Spur of the moment camping trip to Co-op creek. Stopped for gas and Preslie said, "I've always wanted my picture on one of those dinosaurs." Well, 2015 is a summer for checking things off your list! We camped with my dad, sister Trina and her fam. All the summer rain has the mountains in tip-top shape. The wildflowers were huge, colorful and thick. We saw a porcupine waddling up the road, plus deer and moose. Enjoyed riding 4-wheelers and breathing cool air.

 Could not get enough of the thistles. I know they're knoxious weeds, but they were gorgeous and also like 6 feet tall!

Mack loves his new cotton candy maker my parents got him at the cousin party. Can't think of a better fit for this kid than something that he can operate to make sugar treats.

Our neighborhood held the annual "Kill it and Grill it" party in which everyone brings a game dish to share. Dax brought grilled turkey-kebobs and there were no leftovers. That same day, Preslie and I started a 28-day commitment to love our bodies by eating better and exercising regularly. I passed on the cookies at the BBQ and wasn't even sad about it. I want to be strong and give my body what it needs and less of what it doesn't. At the end of our 28 days, we will check our progress and see how we feel! I'm predicting we'll feel amazing! We are already 1 week in and we're doing great! Dax joined us by lifting weights one day and a hilly bike ride the next! Junk consumption is way down and activity is up! The kids all start swimming lessons tomorrow so Preslie will be getting her workout in there. She's an awesome swimmer!